


Drop the Mic: The Camelot Killy Remix

by Ayantiel, Pendragons Dragonlord (PseudoAuthor)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Background Gwaine/Percival - Freeform, Background Gwen/Lancelot/Morgana, Crack, Elyan is done with everyone, Gen, Gwaine is desperate, Humor, Killy gets shit done, Lance reveals more than we needed to know, Leon attempts poetry, M/M, Morgana and Gwen are awesome, Multi, Percy loves Gwaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 18:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5754544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ayantiel/pseuds/Ayantiel, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoAuthor/pseuds/Pendragons%20Dragonlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AKA: The knights rap about Merlin and Arthur’s lack of a sex life because Gwaine wants to get out of training</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drop the Mic: The Camelot Killy Remix

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Not ours, clearly if it was we'd have a very different show on our hands as evidenced by what you're about to read, also we've changed timelines and events a little cause...creativity!
> 
> Ayantiel:   
> This is what happens when you call PD 'P Draggy.' It started as a joke, but turned into so much more than I could have ever anticipated. PD you are amazing. You inspired me, made me laugh so hard I cried, and made this entire experience absolutely magical. Thank you for dragging me into this crazy, wonderful adventure. I couldn't have asked for a better co-author! <3
> 
> Pendragons Dragonlord:  
> Born out of a very fun Chatzy convo with me, Camelittle, Bunny and Ayantiel. Ayantiel and I decided to run with it and here's the results :) Ayantiel - you are the most amazing co-author I have ever had the pleasure of working with (and the first one I've ever worked with so I'm super honoured that you wanted to do this with me)! I had the best time ever :) You are witty, and on point with catching my mistakes and you got me addicted to Hamilton - omg so much Hamilton!! *hugs*

**Gwaine:**

> Yo let me set the scene
> 
> of a beautiful kingdom with a king but no queen
> 
> The land is prospering,
> 
> the people singing as they’re working
> 
> But oh no! What’s that? The poor king is a loner?
> 
> Day after day suffers from a boner
> 
> There’s plenty ladies lining up, ready to serve-
> 
> but the king don’t want no lady curve
> 
> Yo! Listen to what I have to say,
> 
> ‘cause there really is no other way...
> 
> Our good king is hella gay

 

**Knights:**

> HEEEEEYY

 

**Gwaine:**

> Enter a lad from Ealdor (Knights: Ealdor!)
> 
> Looking for a life, a home, a purpose worth fightin’ for
> 
> Now I weren’t here for the tale,
> 
> the one that caused Arthur to flail
> 
> ‘round the market place, trading flirts and quips…

 

**Elyan:**

> Did ya know, they kept staring at each other’s dicks! *Knights gasp*

 

**Gwaine:**

> Why those dirty bastards, love at first swing
> 
> “Do you know how to walk on your knees” asked the king
> 
> “No” said the lad from his place on the ground
> 
> An offer to teach, a threat also found
> 
> The chase through the square-
> 
> Arthur maintains was unfair
> 
> Not a great start, I’ll admit
> 
> But it’s five years later and they just won’t quit
> 
> Arthur’s hard on is growing big as sin
> 
> For the lad from Ealdor - his name? Merlin

 

**Knights:**

> MERLIN!

 

**Gwaine:**

> All right, all right, now listen here
> 
> With Merlin around we have nothing to fear
> 
> We need a plan, we won’t be paid
> 
> but we need to get our good king laid
> 
> Once the princess is good and sated?
> 
> Training won’t be initiated

 

**Knights:**

> WHAT

 

**Elyan:**

> *scoffs* Yeah, like that’ll work!

 

**Gwaine:**

> Come on, Elyan, don’t be a jerk!
> 
> First up is my boy Lancelot
> 
> Go on, show us what it is that you’ve got!

 

**Lancelot:**

> My dear friends, you’re going at it all wrong!
> 
> You need romance, longing and a lovesong
> 
> You can’t just shove ‘em at each other like that
> 
> and expect Merlin to not call him a prat

 

 **Knights:**  

> BOO!

 

**Gwaine:**

> Lance, mate, I love you but you’re being a bore,
> 
> keep up like that and I’m gonna snore!

 

**Lancelot:**

> Your idea of a good time
> 
> is drowning inna flagon of wine

 

 **Knights:**  

> Ooooooh!

 

**Lancelot:**

> Romance is important, sensitivity appreciated
> 
> The course of love is not to be abbreviated

 

**Gwaine:**

> So tell me dear Lancelot, take the lead and tell us all
> 
> how we gonna get Merlin and Arthur horizontal

 

**Lancelot:**

> Gather around, listen closely,  
> 
> Imma tell you how to never again be lonely
> 
> Kindness, patience and maybe a flower

 

**Gwaine:**

> Lance what are you saying, Merlin’s no bird
> 
> or have you ever seen him wearing a skirt?

 

**Percival:**

> Pictures please?
> 
>  

**Lancelot:**

> Shut your trap, don’t make me glower
> 
> Merlin’s a man, as you’re well aware
> 
> Gwaine, sit down, quit tossing your hair!
> 
> All I’m saying? Our esteemed leader’s a bit thick
> 
> Respectfully. Occasionally, he acts like a prick

 

**Knights:**

> Oooooh!

 

**Lancelot:**

> If we want this to work, Merlin needs to be wooed
> 
> Not harassed, or smacked or summarily booed
> 
> Gwen has informed me of Arthur’s chicken dinner
> 
> It’s easy to see why the man wasn’t a winner 

 

**Knights:**

> Oh snap!

 

**Gwen:**

> Lancelot, what’s going down
> 
> What are you doing in the lower town?

 

**Lancelot:**

> My love, you are just in time
> 
> I’m trynna teach these lads a new paradigm  
> 
> You’re the expert, darling. Tell us so we know,
> 
> when it comes to love you reap what you sow

 

 **Gwen:**  

> The path of true love isn’t fast or straight 
> 
> For some it takes time to accumulate
> 
> We listen to each other. We don’t dismiss
> 
> It helps that it’s not just these lips Lance’ll kiss

 

**Elyan:**

> Wait what? *Knights hoot and holler*
> 
>  

**Gwen:**

> I’m just saying, my Lance knows how to please me
> 
> When it comes to the bedroom, we get plenty steamy

 

**Elyan:**

> I DON’T NEED TO HEAR THIS!!

 

 **Gwaine:**  

> Do tell me more

 

**Percival:**

> Do not tell him more
> 
>  

**Lancelot:**

> Let’s keep some privacy, love, if it’s no chore.
> 
> They don’t need to know how it’s sometimes my bum that’s sore
> 
>  

**Knights:**

> OOOOOOOH!

 

**Lancelot:**

> You all heard nothing from these voices
> 
> We should be examining someone else’s choices
> 
> Arthur and Merlin, we need a solution
> 
> One not involving my beloved as a substitution

 

**Morgana:**

> My dear little brother is blinder than a bat
> 
> Eyes covered by more feathers than the one in that hat

 

**Gwaine:**

> Woah, Morgana you’re here. Should we be worried?

 

**Gwen:**

> No, relax. Her anger’s long since been buried

 

**Morgana:**

> You’d be miffed if you lived where the smell of dirt lingers
> 
> And the only decent company was that of your fingers
> 
> It turns out one’s anger will greatly diminish
> 
> when you have not one but two who’ll get you to finish

 

**Knights:**

> Say what!!

 

**Gwen:**

> All I will say is that sharing is caring
> 
> and the three of us do make an awfully good pairing
> 
> But we are digressing

 

**Lancelot:**

> Battle plan name: Get Merlin and Arthur caressing?
> 
> A bouquet of flowers near Merlin’s door
> 
> Arthur’s shirts and pants pressed straight and sure
> 
> General niceties, compliments traded
> 
> We must reconfigure Arthur so he won’t be jaded

 

**Morgana:**

> I could fix a love potion to get them to relent

 

**Gwen:**

> No, that only raises issues of consent
> 
> We put Lance’s plan into motion - hope for the best
> 
> Maybe then we can all finally get some rest

* * *

  _Three Weeks Later..._

**Gwaine**

> I call this meeting ‘cause my arms are sore
> 
> My legs are shaky, bloody and poor
> 
> My stomach is bruised
> 
> My flesh beaten and abused
> 
> Princess has been tense, snappy and irritable
> 
> Lance my friend, I think I’ve been more than charitable
> 
> but no offense, your attempt was shite
> 
> Who’s up next, I need a new plan tonight

 

**Lancelot:**

> Why don’t you try it, if you know so well
> 
> see if you can get us out of endless training hell

 

**Gwaine:**

> Lance, that’s the smartest thing you’ve said yet
> 
> I know how to deal with blokes who play hard to get
> 
> Sit down now and listen to the master
> 
> Maybe we will yet solve this disaster
> 
> My plan is simple; it will not fail
> 
> Let me break down what it’ll entail
> 
> I will seduce Merlin,

 

**Percival:**

> Oi!

 

**Gwaine:**

> but it won’t be true

 

 **Percival:**  

> Oh…

 

**Gwaine:**

> I’ll flirt, but Perce my heart belongs to you
> 
> Watch my back
> 
> Arthur may attack
> 
> A jealous rage’s gonna take hold of him
> 
> You all better pray I not lose a limb!
> 
> If Merlin laughs at my jokes, seeks my company, let Arthur see
> 
> Bring his desire to the forefront, and the happier we’ll all be
> 
> I’ll kiss Merlin’s cheek, whisper sweet words in his ear
> 
> One of you will watch for when Arthur is near

 

**Leon:**

> Percy, mate - are you sure of this all?
> 
> Watching this, it ain’t gonna be a ball

 

**Percival:**

> I know just how effective Gwaine can be
> 
> But know he wouldn’t give up someone with arms as big as me  

 

**Gwaine:**

> This plan won’t fail, it’s late, I feel dead
> 
> Action tomorrow, but for now - Percival love, take me to bed

* * *

  _Six Days Later..._

**Percival:**

> Gwaine asked that we reconvene
> 
> ‘cause in his own words, “Arthur’s being mean”
> 
> The training is relentless
> 
> We’re all getting restless
> 
> Gwaine is in the distance, morning and night
> 
> at Arthur’s insistence, ready to fight
> 
> Merlin’s taken to avoidance
> 
> causing Gwaine great annoyance
> 
> We need a new plan
> 
> from Arthur’s right hand man
> 
> And I am sick of missing a warmth at my side
> 
> Leon, can’t you do something about Arthur’s pride?

 

**Leon:**

> I have known Arthur since he was but a princeling
> 
> And in all that time, I have never had the inkling
> 
> That he was interested in poetry
> 
> Until I caught him and Merlin hidden totally
> 
> In the shadows of the corridor
> 
> so unlike a warrior
> 
> I propose this to be nothing outlandish
> 
> Just something to reestablish
> 
> A bond between the two
> 
> Something to induce an emotional breakthrough

 

**Elyan:**

> I don’t know, man, I’m sceptical

 

**Leon:**

> No, don’t be so cynical
> 
> Leave this to me and you will all see
> 
> I will woo them to each other through letters of poetry

 

* * *

  _Four Days Later..._

**Gwaine:**

> Letters? Poetry? What went on
> 
> while I was indisposed and gone
> 
> Percival, I thought seeking good ideas was what we tried
> 
> with high hopes that it would turn the tide
> 
> Leon mate, Merlin scoffed at your attempt at a letter
> 
> Said, ‘Arthur’s an illiterate prat who knows no better’
> 
> Did you really think that he’d fall for pretty words?
> 
> They’re not like you Leon, they’re not nerds!

 

**Percival:**

> Gwaine, be nice!

 

**Gwaine:**

> Nice? Look at me! I’m a multicoloured palate
> 
> Arthur seems to be coming at me with a mallet
> 
> I thought getting them to shag would make our life easier
> 
> but it seems that getting a horse to drink water is much breezier
> 
> I’d abandon this plan, but we’ve come too far
> 
> Alright boys, one more try before I start to scar
> 
> So think hard lads. Any ideas?
> 
> Hopefully one that won’t end in my tears

 

**Morgana:**

> You boys have failed over and over again
> 
> Maybe it’s time for the ladies to step in, right Gwen? Gwen: Right!
> 
> There is one that may be able to end
> 
> Their stubbornness - to allow them to comprehend
> 
> That their life will be better
> 
> Together
> 
> Aithusa, go seek the dragon we need
> 
> Bring him here to us and we’ll explain the deed

* * *

  _Three Hours Later..._

**Leon:**

> The dragon that attacked Camelot? That’s who you called?
> 
> He was struck by Arthur and he lives? I’m appalled

 

**Morgana:**

> Calm yourself

 

**Leon:**

> He’s meant to be dead, far from here
> 
> So explain why he’s standing before me, my dear?

 

**Killy:**

> Just so you know, I call bullshit
> 
> You think I fled ‘cause that prat threw a fit?
> 
> It’s about time you learned what Merlin has done
> 
> Cause it was he who made sure your victories were won
> 
> There is something in his blood, a thing in his being
> 
> Tell me that at least one of you was seeing
> 
> mysterious happenings - you might’ve thought you were mad
> 
> I know one of you knows of his gift which was banned

 

**Knights:**

> WHAT

 

**Lancelot:**

> Called it!

 

**Gwaine:**

> Courage, Magic and Strength...oh for fuck’s sake.
> 
> My blindness to Merlin’s magic really takes the cake.

 

**Gwen:**

> I had my suspicions but now it’s official.
> 
> To Camelot magic’s been most beneficial!

 

**Leon:**

> And how will Arthur take this news?
> 
> His one true love has magic; that will surely bruise

 

**Killy:**

> I will make him listen, he will not ignore this
> 
> By the end of my machinations they will kiss
> 
> Their destiny is to bring hope to the land
> 
> A golden age of Albion will surely be grand
> 
> They hide their passion behind sass and snark
> 
> but I will draw their love for each other out from the dark
> 
> Their affection is most clear when the other’s in danger
> 
> so let this dragon’s fire be the game changer!

 

**Lancelot:**

> Uhm, no disrespect but are you sure that’s wise
> 
> What if one of them actually dies?

 

**Killy:**

> Between the two of us, whose aim is most true?
> 
> Me or you?
> 
> Gwaine:
> 
> Don’t you mean your aim is shite?
> 
> Cause you’ll miss your target, right?

 

**Percival:**

> Don’t taunt the dragon if you know what’s good for you

 

**Killy:**

> Listen to your lover, boy. He speaks true.
> 
> Leave it to me
> 
> and maybe have Gaius ready to deal with a burn or three 

* * *

_One Day Later..._

**Gwaine:**

> I can hardly believe my eyes
> 
> who knew a dragon was needed to get them to fraternize?

 

 **Lancelot:**  

> Merlin’s happy. It’s nice. Maybe now Arthur will relax
> 
> He won’t have energy for training after bending their backs

 

**Gwaine:**

> It’s still Merlin and Arthur, Lance
> 
> Not a chance
> 
> Give it a few, they’ll be cursing each other
> 
> At least if worse comes to worse they’ll actually blow one another

* * *

_Four Weeks Later..._

**Gwaine:**

> I haven’t seen them at all today
> 
> but you can hear them from far away!

 

**Percival:**

> I thought we were loud. This is worse than we could’ve guessed
> 
> If I weren’t so bloody tired I would be impressed

 

**Gwaine:**

> One more time, we can do it, love
> 
> I’ll make you scream to the heavens above
> 
> C’mon Perce, let’s get dirty and down
> 
> I don’t wanna lose my sex god crown

 

**Elyan:**

> Okay so whilst those two get frisky in bed
> 
> lemme fill you in on what was left unsaid
> 
> Listening to my sister’s relationship situation, I had to depart
> 
> No one should hear ‘bout who their siblings are banging in the dark
> 
> It’s even worse considering my case
> 
> you see, I am so very hella ace
> 
> But I digress
> 
> The end of this story, I shall address
> 
> Even though the efforts of the knights failed - I told you so
> 
> They managed to bring an end to the king’s tale of woe
> 
> The ban on magic, though long held was lifted
> 
> From manservant to court sorcerer, Merlin was gifted
> 
> Albion will prosper, the people grow strong
> 
> because Arthur and Merlin fuck all night long
> 
> Okay so that may be oversimplified
> 
> but it’s not like I will have lied
> 
> Now it’s not training that keeps us knights up
> 
> but the fact that the lovebirds won’t shut the fuck up
> 
> When it comes down to it though? It is a win
> 
> ‘Cause our king has his crowned consort; his name? Merlin!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it! :D


End file.
